CHAPTER ONE (continued)

 

Tom ran out of the apartment before she could see his tears forming

All he wanted now was to go home.

He decided to spend some time in the bookstore he passed every day on the way home after work.. He wanted to calm down  and distract the  thoughts of the best way to kill himself.  He would never actually do it but the old suicidal feelings he once had were coming back.

 page 7

This bookstore was not one of the large chain stores with bright lights, coffee shop and couches.  It was a

 small independently owned store

The faded and chipped gold lettered sign on the door of the bookstore was barely legible.  Aba...don...d Boo...s was all that remained of the intended Abandoned Books lettering.  Sleigh bells attached to the inside of the glass-paneled door jangled loudly when he pushed the door open and stepped up into the store.  A thin shorthaired teenager wearing wire framed glasses sat behind the cash register at the counter.  He briefly looked up then returned to his reading.

The worn badly scuffed wood floor creaked with every step.  The owner had constructed shelves from old planks of scrap lumber placed close together making it difficult to squeeze through the aisles.

The weight of the books bowed down some of the shelves so much that the slightest nudge could cause them to crack sending the books tumbling to the floor.

A few tables covered in dust displayed the larger books.  The whole place was cluttered and sloppy.

He rubbed his nose, which burned from the strong musty smell of damp decaying paper.  He smiled.  The bookstore’s name was appropriate.  It only offered old unpopular books mostly used.  Some were leftovers from other bookstores.  While the prices of these books were surprisingly low, the problem was in finding something worth reading.

Walking through most of the aisles, he found his way to the back of the store.  He laughed when he saw the sign above the last section of shelves handwritten in pencil on a piece of warped white cardboard: “Self-Help”.  He believed a more appropriate title was “False-Hope”.

He read the book titles recognizing most of the popular fad therapies from the past that had gone out of style.  At one time or another, he read most of them.  The memories of his past as a sad desperate reader went through his mind.

"If I can only find a book to point me in the right direction, I'll be able to turn my life around.  I'll find how to make my life have meaning and discover true happiness.  I'll be rid of this black cloud of sadness.”

It was the same as all the other times.  He believed his compulsion to look for a solution in self-help books was pathetic.  Many times, in the past, he looked for the one book that promised to make things better.

When he thought he found the book with the answer to his prayers a feeling of hope would temporarily soothe him.  After trying the suggestions, he did feel better.  Even though the depression was gone, nothing had changed.  It was all an illusion.  He needed the delusion that he was in control doing something to make his life better.  Then when the depression returned, the way it always did, he realized once again that he was fooled into having false hope.

He was certain that behind his sadness there was a real evil that was somehow hidden from him.  It was not all in his mind.  Some evil reality was there.

For a while, he was not even reading the titles; only looking at the different heights, colors and thicknesses of the books.  Some were in good condition almost new.  Others were ripped, stained or had broken spines.  They all began to become a blur.  He stood staring into space as if in a trance.

Unable to find a book that interested him he shoved a book he was holding back onto the shelf.  From out of nowhere there was a woman standing several feet away from him.

She pushed the book she was holding down on the same shelf.  It was placed in an odd way with the spine down and the pages up, wedged in tightly between the other books.

Tom could not look away from her deep blue-green eyes.  She had straw-colored blond hair that almost hung down to her shoulders.  She stared back at Tom and smiled.

He began to walk towards her.  She turned and ran.  All he could see was her firm athletic body as she left the store and went down the street.

Curious, he took her book off the shelf.  It was about an inch thick with a smooth black leather binding.  The page edges were gleaming with beautiful gold leaf.  It felt pleasantly heavy with a strong scent of leather and old incense.

Engraved into the leather of the front cover in vivid colors was a large dragon.  It was curled in a broken circle with its open jaw reaching for its tail.  There was a stream of fire coming from its mouth shooting towards its tail.

When he looked for a title or author, he found none.

He opened the book to the introduction page that began with an explanation of the image on the cover.  According to the anonymous author, the engraving was a variation of an ouroboros, a serpent eating its own tail to symbolize the eternal cycle of Nature.  It was Nature re-using the minerals from dead animals and plants to grow new life.  It meant creation from destruction, of life from death.

However, on this cover instead of the serpent eating its own tail to sustain its life there was a dragon destroying its own tail with the fire spewing from its mouth.  It symbolized the destruction of the universe, putting an end to itself and everything else.

Tom looked at the back cover. Taking up the entire space was a large gold letter “Y” on a deep blue background.  This letter was different from an ordinary “Y”.  The side pointing to the left ended in an arrow while the side pointing to the right was blocked.  It ended in a short horizontal line.  He skimmed through the book but could not find an explanation of its meaning.  For now, he was more interested in exploring the rest of the book.

He turned to the first chapter titled “Beginning”.  There was an illustration with the viewpoint from behind, looking over the shoulder of a man holding a blank sheet of paper.  The man’s left hand held the paper steady on a dark wooden desktop while his right hand held an old wooden fountain pen with a metal nib, its point about to touch the paper.  It was like a painting he once saw but could not remember where, maybe in a museum or a book on art history.

Looking up for a moment to see if anyone else was in the store Tom saw the young man behind the cash register was still reading.  Except for the two of them, the store was empty.

The first chapter explained the author’s philosophy and reason for writing the book.  Not in the mood to study the details, he read quickly through the chapter.  After a few pages he was a bit confused, but he understood the point; we cannot always be sure of what is real.

Attempting to sit on the floor to read more, his legs started to cramp.  Because the Because the store had no seats, he made his own seat by piling up a few books and sitting on them.  It was easier than standing.

While he skimmed through the pages, he found many beautiful illustrations in vivid color done in pen and ink, framed in gold leaf.  With the book opened flat these illustrations always appeared on the left page with the chapter headings on the right page.

In a chapter titled “Seduction” there was an illustration of two young lovers sitting on a bench holding each other close and kissing.  This struck a chord with Tom.  What he really needed was someone to accept him as he was.  He needed someone who loved him and wanted to share her life with him.

The problem was his anxiety around others.  He hated being alone yet that was when he felt most comfortable.  When he forced himself to be with others, he saw how uneasy he made them feel.

Tom became used to only a few dates before the woman was gone.  A few drunken nights together did not make for much of a love life.

He returned to his reading.  A chapter on “Well Being” began with an illustration of a naked young man with a strong muscular body in top physical condition.

A servant helped a man into a coach in the chapter titled “Fortune”.  The man was well dressed.  He had a sack of gold coins in his hand.

He turned to the second chapter titled “True Freedom”. The chapter began with the assertion that everyone is born with a conscious force or spirit of nature.

This force was supposed to protect the man or woman from the opposing forces of evil.  Without this protection the temptations of evil were too strong for an ordinary person to resist.  However, the author argued that even though this was a necessity when people were ignorant the modern educated person has no need for this outdated protection.  In fact, the force interfered with the amount of freedom and opportunity open to him.

"What a load of crap," Tom muttered.  He was tempted to stop reading and put the book back but was curious.The problem was his anxiety around others.  He hated being alone yet that was when he felt most comfortable.  When he forced himself to be with others, he saw how uneasy he made them feel.

Tom became used to only a few dates before the woman was gone.  A few drunken nights together did not make for much of a love life.

He returned to his reading.  A chapter on “Well Being” began with an illustration of a naked young man with a strong muscular body in top physical condition.

A servant helped a man into a coach in the chapter titled “Fortune”.  The man was well dressed.  He had a sack of gold coins in his hand.

He turned to the second chapter titled “True Freedom”. The chapter began with the assertion that everyone is born with a conscious force or spirit of nature.

This force was supposed to protect the man or woman from the opposing forces of evil.  Without this protection the temptations of evil were too strong for an ordinary person to resist.  However, the author argued that even though this was a necessity when people were ignorant the modern educated person has no need for this outdated protection.  In fact, the force interfered with the amount of freedom and opportunity open to him.

"What a load of crap," Tom muttered.  He was tempted to stop reading and put the book back but was curious.

The author went on to describe the dire effects of this interference.  As he continued reading the chapter Tom was amazed at how accurately the author seemed to be describing his present situation.  Freedom to have more control over his life was what he needed.

What he read next perplexed yet excited him at the same time.  The author insisted that to have true freedom to live a better life he must willfully take an action that might seem wrong at first.  Nonetheless, this action was the first step in taking back control of his life.  Not sure what it meant he continued reading what seemed more suited for the introduction to a fantasy video game than a work of non-fiction.

The author insisted the reader take the book without paying for it.  He claimed that willfully taking this action was the first step in taking back control of his life.  He explained that the reader would understand after discovering the secret that he was going to describe later in the book.  Tom continued reading.

“I no longer have the need to make money.  My only motivation is to help the few select people who are wise and brave enough to learn how to use the secret I am about to reveal.  These are the people who deserve to know what I know and when enough people learn the secret, we will meet sometime in the near future to form an elite society and join forces to change the world.”

Even though it seemed irrational, even silly, Tom thought it would be fun to play along and take the challenge.  The risk of being caught excited him.  His pulse raced with the danger and the guilt of doing something wrong.

Tom looked for security cameras.  Then he thought about it.  If the storeowner was too cheap or too poor to buy decent shelves, he was certain he could not afford an electronic security system.

By the cash register, the young man was still preoccupied with what he was reading, completely ignoring him.

Tom unzipped the top of his shoulder bag.  He always had this black leather bag with him wherever he went.  It was a comfort for him, a sort of security blanket.  Its many zippered pockets and slots, more than enough for pens and memo pads, gave him a false sense of being organized.

Giving in to the impulse, Tom slipped the book into his shoulder bag, put the bag’s strap over his shoulder and quickly left the store.

Once outside he laughed to himself.  It felt good to get away with the crime.  He never shoplifted before and was not eager to start now.  He rationalized his behavior by telling himself he was going to return the book the very next day, no harm done.  His mood magically changed from despair into excitement and hope that come with a new adventure.  

This alone was worth the risk.

page 12

(Next is chapter two)